I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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