I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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