I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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