my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
