cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
