I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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