I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
