Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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