I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
