i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
