I'm gonna have a badass scar
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
