my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
