I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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