Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
