I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
