She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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