Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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