I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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