I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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