I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The adults are the big ones right?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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