ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
