Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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