im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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