My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
