She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
