i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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