Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
