I accidentally had phone sex last night
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
