Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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