dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You ruined the universe
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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