I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
