I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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