You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
