none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
