we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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