i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
