while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize