Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
