He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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