I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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