got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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