FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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