we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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