bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
