Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
