Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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