Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
