life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
