U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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