I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
