She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize