went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
