So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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