RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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