And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
