The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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