woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
