Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
