One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
