There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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