I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
