I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
