I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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